


Hold Your Hand Until the End

by EthelPhantom



Series: Worth the Suffering [3]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: (very light), Canon Divergence, Did I already mention the fluff?, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Happy, Light Angst, M/M, Post canon, Post-R2, Post-Zero Requiem, Re;surrection never happened, SO MUCH FLUFF, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, because there's so much fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 17:57:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18429188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Sometimes you lose your hold and sight of happiness, and it becomes difficult to find it again, but when you once more do, happiness is suddenly everywhere.





	Hold Your Hand Until the End

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Never Too Far From You, the main fic of this series. Please note that if you haven't read that, this one is full of spoilers for it, and a lot of references might not make sense. If you really don't want to read it, then go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you. 
> 
> To the ones that have read Never Too Far From You, I'm so glad you're here to read this as well, and I hope this compensates for the pain and sadness that is NTFFY. Basically, it's the happy sequel I promised you. You even got 10k words of mostly happiness and fluff. 
> 
> Like I literally told myself I had to write at least the average amount of words of a chapter in NTFFY (around 7k), and after rewriting it, it turned out to be a bit longer. 
> 
> And once again, I'm grateful to my friend for reading this over for me and informing me of my mistakes (like replacing the word "word" with "food").

Had someone told Suzaku only mere three and half years ago he’d one day be happy again, he would have simply laughed it off bitterly and silently thought such luxury was impossible and it was never going to happen. How could he be happy if the one he loved the most was gone (even if it had taken him years and years to realise he loved him), he was imprisoned under the mask of Zero eternally, and the only one who he knew and was aware of it was Nunnally. Nunnally, the sweet empress of the new and kind Britannia that helped others.

It didn’t matter that Nunnally and Suzaku were somewhat close because it wasn’t enough to make Suzaku happy. Nunnally was busy because she needed to keep the entire world peaceful and to make sure other countries were in it as well since she couldn’t do it alone, somehow. She had told Suzaku she was never going to lose her hold of peace, for the sake of her late brother and his great sacrifice.

Besides, Suzaku had a guilt complex, and he had killed the brother she loved and mourned. He was the reason for her unhappiness, yet she didn’t stop treating him like he was an actual human being deserving of love, and worst of all, happiness. There was no way he was going to allow himself to be happy as long as he was aware of that.

Well, as it was now, Suzaku was sitting in the kitchen of his small apartment near the border of the old, at least once destroyed Pendragon, laughing with tears of happiness in the corners of his eyes while holding a mug of hot chocolate that had gone cold long ago in his hands. He was, indeed, happy. Something he had once thought he could never see again.

There was a long and tough path — a painful, sad story if you wanted to describe it as such — behind his current happiness, but overall Suzaku thought it was worth it. This all, it was definitely worth the suffering. No matter in how much pain he had been, at the moment he was glad it was over and thought that this life he had right now was something worth waiting for.

He watched his boyfriend — Suzaku was  _ never _ going to get over being able to call him that — cook something delicious behind the kitchen counter, making a sarcastic remark at something Suzaku had said earlier. It made him smile. Lelouch was once again at a distance he could easily reach, and he had promised he wasn’t going to leave his side again. Suzaku trusted that promise, just like he had always trusted Lelouch before — well, at least almost always anyways.

“Suzaku, could you please cut those onions I left on the counter into small cubes? Like, right now? I need them shortly”, Lelouch asked without even turning to look at Suzaku, all of his concentration completely focused on the chicken he was frying.

Suzaku didn’t answer Lelouch, but pushed himself and his chair back and got up, mug left forgotten on the table. He walked to the counter and began dicing the onions, just as Lelouch had requested him to do. He didn’t have any idea what they were making, actually, but that was fine. It didn’t matter as long as they were together — and let’s be honest here, Lelouch was such a great cook that no matter what he decided to make, Suzaku was going to love it anyway.

When he was done, Lelouch snatched the chopping board from him and dumped them on another hot pan. He began sweating them with olive oil and what looked like a ton of seasonings and spices in Suzaku’s eyes. Not like Suzaku minded spicy food, but still.

“What are we even making?”, he finally asked because the sheer amount of things Lelouch was using baffled him. He rested his head in his palms while trying to figure out what the food could be. Sure, he knew there were many dishes that used a lot of ingredients but just knowing that didn’t lessen his bemusement.

Lelouch only glanced at him before returning to his cooking, without saying  _ anything. _ Suzaku didn’t even get a “you’ll see when I’m done, possibly”. It wasn’t like it was unheard of, or unusual, no, but since it wasn’t something that happened on a daily basis, Suzaku hadn’t been expecting it.

And because Lelouch hadn’t told him to do anything else to help either and he didn’t know how he could help, Suzaku sat back on the chair and downed his (by now very cold) hot chocolate and kept following the graceful movements of his boyfriend (how he managed to do that even while cooking in a hurry because it was easy to burn food while managing about three pans, a pot, the oven, and a salad, he didn’t know). He really had never expected to get this back, to be able to live a domestic life. It was a miracle he could. 

Well, considering he was Zero as well, he couldn’t have ever let himself even humour the idea of such happiness, it was understandable he hadn’t been expecting this. It would have been too painful. But, as it turned out, Lelouch was alive, and after about two years he had found him again, whatever gods or deities that were pitying him had finally gotten to the point were they pitied him enough to give him a chance to live a happy, blissful life in peace with his lover.

… No, it wasn’t the gods pitying him, it was definitely Nunnally and her endless kindness and determination to make her childhood friend happy again. After those two years that were extremely difficult for both Suzaku and Lelouch, Nunnally had all of a sudden called Suzaku to her office and informed him that she had bought him a house on the outskirts of the old Pendragon. She had explained to him that people never really went there and that it was because of that it would be a safe place for him to be himself, without needing to fear someone seeing him without his mask. Then she had proceeded to tell him the world was perfectly peaceful, had been for twelve years, and that since peace was nowhere near the brink of breaking, it was okay for Suzaku to take his well-deserved retirement from the job.

So basically, she had gently ~~fired him~~  suggested him to stop being Zero.

To no one's surprise, Suzaku had fought back. It was his job, his punishment, and that’s why he couldn’t quit, even if by then he had known Lelouch was alive (Nunnally didn’t know. They still hadn’t told her). The empress had breathed out an exasperated sigh and looked like she wanted to bang her head on her desk or against the wall out of mere frustration.

_ “You aren’t getting a say in this, Suzaku. You  _ will _ retire because I say so. If it helps you to calm your mind and just accept this, Zero will still technically exist, and I will still have a way to connect you in case Zero is ever needed for any reason. Needless to say, I strongly doubt it. So, as both your childhood friend who is upset about you hurting yourself over and over again  _ and  _ your empress who is worried about your health and capability to manage your job because you aren’t doing well, I am telling you to take it easy and rest”, Nunnally said, voice firm, leaving him no way to refuse. He doubted Nunnally would give in even if he were to beg, scream, or try to rationally and calmly explain that her brother had wanted him to do this, but well, that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try. _

_ “But—” _

_ “No.” _

_ Nunnally interrupted him, stopping him completely before he even got more than a word out of his mouth. _

_ “You’ve been much happier lately. I am not sure what it is making you happy, but I definitely doubt it is this job of yours. I want you to chase after your happiness, have wanted for a long time. You were at your worst during those first ten years of being Zero and you never showed any signs of getting better. It made me worried you were never going to feel like living again, and that you were going to try to kill yourself or the like if not for the fact you had no other choice than to live because of my brother’s geass and request.” _

_ “I’m sorry for worrying you.” _

_ Nunnally continued on like he hadn’t even spoken a word. “Then you went to Japan for two weeks — the first holiday you had ever taken which I was more than glad to give you — and came back, looking much better than you had in those ten years. I have no idea what happened, but whatever it was, it helped, and I want to keep it that way. If being Zero makes you miserable, I can’t allow you to act the role any longer, even if I have to force you to stop. I promise I will tell you if I need Zero for something — or if the world needs Zero for something —, but otherwise, Zero is no longer allowed inside this palace. Suzaku in a full Zero costume acting like Zero outside my room or study is if he wants to keep me company because he is my friend, but Zero isn’t — he isn’t my friend, he is only my unofficial knight and my brother’s killer. Go live your life.” _

_ Suzaku wasn’t agreeing with her decision, not at all. He could perfectly well make his own decisions himself, but he knew that just like it was with her brother, he would never be able to win in an argument against her. Knowing that he gave up and asked for the keys to the house, sighing. _

Surprising to most, Suzaku had given in fairly quickly. He didn’t enjoy disagreeing on matters with those he cared about, and in reality, he wasn’t that much against the idea of being freed from behind Zero’s mask. From behind the mask that had gone from being the symbol of everything he hated into his personal, eternal prison, as well as the symbol of destroying his greatest love and becoming everything he hated.

Besides, Nunnally was not really one you could argue with. Unless you were Lelouch or above her in the hierarchy (which didn’t happen), there was no way you could ever win. Even Lelouch would have a hard time winning, if not simply for the fact he wouldn’t have denied her almost anything. If she was determined to win, it didn’t matter who you were — you would still have a hard time trying to win.

And in all honesty, right now Suzaku couldn’t have been happier to have lost. He would have none of this if he was still actively working as Zero. Lelouch had also welcomed the change — after thinking it through multiple times, that is. He too has initially been against the idea of Suzaku quitting but since he was presumed dead by everyone but Suzaku and C.C., he no longer had the right to have a say in any of that. Suzaku didn’t let him have a say in it, the world was now Suzaku and Nunnally’s problem, not Lelouch’s. And well, like said, after taking his time to think it over, Lelouch had been glad to hear they could indeed be together again and simply live. He too welcomed the long overdue happiness with open arms (quite literally, in fact, since Suzaku had run to him to embrace him and Lelouch had opened his arms long before Suzaku had even reached him — they had both been high on life at that moment).

Nunnally had given him a phone with her personal number already saved in it so that he could contact her whenever he wanted, whether it be because he simply wanted to talk on the phone or chat via messages, or because he wanted to meet up with her in person. It would be the easiest way because when using a personal number, there was no one and nothing making being in touch harder between them. Suzaku mostly used it to ask how she was doing because he didn’t want to bother her too much, though. It was for Lelouch as well, because that way he could see how his precious younger sister (who was physically a lot older than him at this point) was doing from his sister herself instead of being told whatever the media happened to feel like saying about her at the moment. It helped to reassure him she was no longer the helpless little girl (which she likely never had been) and could handle and take care of herself perfectly well — or at least far better than Lelouch could take care of himself.

_ Vi Britannia siblings were troublesome, not good at taking care of themselves, too eager to help the ones they loved without caring about what it did to them, and would do anything from helping people with small things to destroying and recreating the world, or protecting it even when they no longer cared that much about it if it was for the ones they loved the most,  _ he thought and shook his head sighing.

When Lelouch was finished with cooking, he brought one of the pans and a pot to the table. Now Suzaku could see they were having some sort of a version of what seemed to be Indian chicken sauce and rice. Suzaku had a feeling Lelouch had originally gotten the recipe from Rakshata or one of her assistants and only recently found it since he was pretty sure he had eaten it before only a few times (during the time Lelouch was Zero and they were on friendly terms in civil), and Lelouch didn’t cook Indian food almost ever. Suzaku’s best guess would be that Lelouch missed some of his old comrades even if he didn’t admit it (at least out loud in Suzaku’s presence).

Well, Lelouch  _ was _ much more sentimental about an awful lot of things than he liked to admit so it wouldn’t have surprised Suzaku in the slightest if that were the case.

“Do you need any help?”, Suzaku called out to Lelouch who shook his head. But, when he was carrying the water jug to the table, he tripped over something Suzaku had left on the floor, again, even after Lelouch had specifically and explicitly told him he shouldn’t do it because one day someone was going to hurt themselves because of all the stuff lying on the floor. He spilled the water all over both himself and the floor.

Lelouch made a sound Suzaku couldn’t quite describe, but at least the displeasure in his voice didn’t go unheard. It was clear Lelouch was disgruntled. Suzaku rushed around the table to see whether he was okay, and after ensuring there were no glass shards anywhere, and that Lelouch didn’t look hurt (okay, sure, his code would have prevented him from getting bad injuries anyway, as well as healed all of them fast so it wasn’t like the situation really called for that), he stretched his hand out to pull Lelouch up.

“Are you okay?”, Suzaku asked concerned, letting his shoulders rise a bit and biting his lip nervously. It was easy to hear how terrible he felt for being the cause of the incident in the wavering tone of his voice and the fake laugh he forced out.

“Yes, but do tell me what I have told you about cleaning up after yourself and leaving your stuff everywhere”, Lelouch said in turn, glaring at Suzaku. The irritation in his voice made Suzaku shiver. Christ, Lelouch was intimidating even when he was dripping wet and looked like a drowned rat (albeit a very attractive one).

Suzaku’s gaze dropped and he answered abashedly, “That I need to do it because otherwise one of us will get hurt, and if not that, at least create an even bigger mess. I’m sorry. I’ll clean up the floor, just go change your clothing.”

His boyfriend nodded, approving of Suzaku’s answer, and left to look through his closet in search of dry clothes while Suzaku began cleaning. By the time he was done, Lelouch was already standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. Suzaku smiled at him before looking at what Lelouch was wearing again, this time paying attention to it.

_ That sweater— Isn’t it… Mine? Oh god, why does he have to be so cute in it? _

He was wearing a dark blue sweater with light green patterns printed on it that, for some reason, reminded Suzaku of those on his Knight of Seven shirt and cape. Oh well, he had somewhat liked those pieces of clothing so it was okay.

What was  _ not _ okay was Lelouch wearing it. No, of course he could, Suzaku loved it when Lelouch ended up in his clothing since his body was more built and broader than Lelouch’s thin one so he always seemed to drown in them, but he was just too goddamn adorable and Suzaku’s heart couldn’t handle it very well. He very much wanted to go to him and kiss him until they were out of breath and could no longer, but didn’t do it because he was quite sure his legs would give in before reaching Lelouch — or worse, he’d fall while kissing him and pull the boy down with him as well.

“Is there something wrong with what I’m wearing?”, Lelouch asked, tilting his head to the side as he noticed Suzaku’s dumbstruck expression. That seemed to wake Suzaku from his thoughts and snap his mouth shut before he opened it again and began stuttering before managing to make at least one of his sentences coherent.

“No! No- Everything’s perfectly fine— I mean, you look great— God, I can’t even speak anymore. Like, it’s just… I can’t believe you’re actually wearing my clothes!”

Goodness, how embarrassed he felt. It wasn’t like Lelouch hadn’t seen and heard him be even more embarrassing from time to time, but knowing that didn’t help him feel any better.

Lelouch chuckled and walked towards him, seemingly understanding that Suzaku couldn’t come to him himself right now. As he reached him, Lelouch pulled Suzaku into a hug, still laughing quietly. Like Suzaku, Lelouch too had learnt to become more open with his feelings and just take what he wanted (as long as it was consensual, though) — after all, most of the time what you want doesn’t come to you unless you make the first move.

And, now that Lelouch was within his grasp, Suzaku pulled Lelouch forwards by his waist so he was now sitting on Suzaku’s lap. Then he placed one of his hands on Lelouch’s cheek, let his thumb swipe over his lips and kissed him carefully, just like he had wanted to do earlier. Lelouch smiled into the kiss.

“You look cute in that sweater”, Suzaku murmured when they finally broke the kiss, needing air. “Maybe you should start wearing my clothes more often.”

Lelouch chuckled again — and holy shit did Suzaku think it sounded adorable — at Suzaku’s words and replied, “Mm, maybe I really should.”

They stayed like that for a while — Lelouch seated on Suzaku’s lap, so close that they could feel the steady heartbeats of the other — before remembering that their food was still waiting and it was at a good pace cooling and turning into something neither would eat before warming it up again — and food, as expected, was never as good reheated as it was when it was fresh.

Suzaku let Lelouch get up before standing up himself, and now that his legs didn’t feel like they were seconds away from giving up under him, he decided to get them something to drink. After all, Lelouch had accidentally ( _ it was your fault,  _ his mind (not so) helpfully reminded him) spilled the water all over himself and the floor, and so Suzaku now felt obliged to get them so that his boyfriend wouldn’t need to. And while Suzaku was filling the water jug, Lelouch brought them plates and cutlery and set them on the table. Since Suzaku was getting them something to drink, Lelouch came to the conclusion he could also bring glasses with him. That, or they weren’t going to drink anything.

When Suzaku finally came back, he sat down on the opposite side of the table from Lelouch. Lelouch took the plate from Suzaku and snorted when Suzaku almost tried to take the plate back without thinking.

“How much food do you want?”, he asked, already piling up food on the plate. He didn’t actually care that much about how much Suzaku wanted because the boy needed to eat more than he would if he could decide himself. They were neither good at taking care of themselves, but at least Lelouch most often knew how much he was supposed to eat. Suzaku didn’t usually mind it though, stopping Lelouch only when he realised he couldn’t eat more than what there already was on his plate.

“Yeah, that’s— that’s enough!”, he rushed to say before Lelouch could put any more food on his plate. The other handed it to him without another word before he put some food on his own plate as well.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they ate. It was something that had become a habit at some point, although neither knew when, how or why. Suzaku’s best guess would have been that it was partly so that they wouldn’t end up staying at the table for too long, but really, that didn’t really sound believable. They just always did it. But, it wasn’t like Suzaku was necessarily complaining, he did enjoy the silence, and if you were to ask him, he would say he thought it probable the other thought the same. So, while eating, Lelouch read the latest newspaper because he couldn’t really go out to where there were many people to find out what was happening himself, and Suzaku continued reading the book Lelouch had out in his hands a week ago and told him to read. 

When they were done, Suzaku took both their dirty dishes and put them in the sink for them to wait to be washed. Lelouch would have probably wanted to wash them right away but since Suzaku couldn’t bother to do it, he just left them there for now. Then he went back to Lelouch and picked him up (he was so light that it wasn’t difficult in the slightest) and started carrying him around the house.

Lelouch shrieked because he was startled by what Suzaku did (and seemed to love doing). “Stop it, Suzaku! Put me down, right now!”, he yelled and only managed to make Suzaku laugh by doing so.

“I’m sorry Lelouch, but I got this indescribable urge to do this and I couldn’t fight it even though I tried to”, he said with the most serious tone he could muster, trying to fight back his laughter. It was not easy. It also earned him a light smack on the head from his annoyed boyfriend. That, in turn, made Suzaku lose it and begin to laugh hard. 

“Yeah right, like it’s only that and you’re not enjoying this at all?”, Lelouch deadpanned, crossing his arms on his chest. 

“I didn’t say I wasn’t enjoying it”, Suzaku answered with a cheeky grin.

And even though Lelouch still pretended he didn’t like being carried around at all, after the initial shock he did start enjoying it as well. He wrapped his arms around Suzaku’s neck, claiming he did it because he “didn’t want to fall”. Suzaku snorted at his boyfriend’s antics and need to pretend he didn’t like the random acts of romance or intimacy Suzaku did every now and then.

But, Lelouch’s behaviour was understandable — it had been born already in his childhood because growing up as the eleventh royal prince of Britannia wasn’t easy. No matter how long it was since Lelouch had been seen in the eyes of the public, the education he’d received and the other manners and habits (such as, “you shouldn’t express your emotions in front of people, or let them read you enough well because that way they can and  _ will _ use them against you”) he’d learned as a child in the royal court had stuck. It didn’t matter that no one besides C.C. and Suzaku knew he was alive any longer, Lelouch still kept the act up, but then again, it was hard to grow out of habits born in childhood  _ and _ this was the Lelouch Suzaku had come to grow so fond of so it wasn’t actually that bad. He was learning to be more open about how he was feeling, and that’s all that really mattered to Suzaku.

He carried him around for maybe five minutes before he walked to the door and let Lelouch down so he could put his jacket and shoes on. It was safe enough for the two of them to go outside nowadays as long as they didn’t go near places where there were many people at about all times. Well, at least not without some kind of disguise. It had anyway been long enough since both of them were declared dead that so long as they made some simple but significant changes to their appearances (hair and eyes mostly), they could go on for a while like that as long as they could cover up their faces whenever needed, like hoods. That way, even if the hood fell, they wouldn’t be recognised immediately and they would have enough time to disappear before anyone could put two and two together. Besides, they never spent time in the city longer than was necessary, which meant they only went there for grocery shopping and to buy books and clothes every now and then.

“Do tell me why we are going outside, Suzaku. It’s cold and neither of us necessarily enjoy being out in the snow”, Lelouch stated but didn’t stop putting his clothes on. He was weird. He could sound like he was completely against an idea Suzaku had but still, for some unknown and very odd reason, went along with whatever it was this time.

Suzaku was going through the closet to find his jacket and he was failing miserably. Lelouch had, once again, decided their home was a total chaos and ended up changing the way they arranged their stuff while cleaning the place up so it wasn’t very easy.

“God, Lelouch, where have you placed my jacket  _ this time _ ?” Lelouch pointed to Suzaku's right without actually even looking. And yes, as suspected, he was right. It was hanging right there. Suzaku probably should have seen it himself. “Also, to answer you, it’s because I feel like going outside and I want to go with you, not alone. Oh, and it’s very beautiful out there.”

“Okay then. But, we are  _ not _ going anywhere far, I’d rather not have to worry about being recognised today”, Lelouch said, his voice leaving no place for arguing — not that Suzaku had wanted to go far either anyway.

Lelouch opened the door and walked outside to wait for Suzaku, leaning to the wall and watching the already darkening sky. Suzaku followed him shortly, closed the door behind him and grabbed Lelouch’s hand as he got to his side. Lelouch squeezed his hand lightly and looked at Suzaku with what was probably one of the softest expressions he could make. Suzaku absolutely loved it and felt a smile make its way to his own face.

And, in Lelouch’s definitely not at all biased opinion, that smile lit Suzaku’s entire face up and shone brighter than any star in existence — Suzaku and Nunnally, his most beloved people, probably both shone brighter than any star, although Nunnally might outshine Suzaku in this. He was not going to voice that thought, though. Lelouch turned to look forward again and began walking.

The two of them fell automatically into a comfortable step with each other, Suzaku walking slower than he would alone, Lelouch walking a bit faster. It was as easy and natural as breathing to them at this point if they were being honest. Neither would trade it away for the world, not again.

“I like the way your hand fits so perfectly in mine”, Suzaku said as they reached the small lake nearby. He squeezed Lelouch’s hand as an affirmation to his words. He really did like it, he liked to be able to touch Lelouch as often as possible. They had lost way too much time drowning in their own pain, suffering as they didn’t let anyone help them, trying to cope with their sorrow in the worst ways possible just to keep their loved ones as happy as possible by not making them deal with the pain the two of them had to live with every second of their lives. That hadn’t even begun only after Zero Requiem, it had begun much earlier.

The season was fairly cold — after all, it was only February —, so they had to wear warm clothing whenever they went outside. Which, they had to admit, didn’t happen that often, especially during winters. Neither was a fan of the cold.

Well, they wore warm clothing as long as you didn’t take the fact they had somehow fallen into the habit of not wearing one of their gloves into account. They did it solely because they really wanted to feel the other’s hand, touch the other’s skin. Their hands mostly stayed warm because of that anyway. Okay, sure, they did (because of Lelouch and his constant worrying) have the unused gloves with them just in case it would get too cold, but they had yet to give in to the cold and admit that yes, maybe they needed some source of warmth other than what they got from one another. If they were to ever admit to something willingly, it was their tendency to be quite damn stubborn just about at all times.

“You idiot”, Suzaku could hear Lelouch murmur from beside him, but the smile living on his lips while saying it was more than obvious, and Suzaku didn’t doubt its existence for even a second.

It was an affectionate word to them at this point, and Suzaku was used to hearing it. In fact, it made Suzaku feel all warm and fuzzy inside. After all, Lelouch didn’t mean any harm with it anymore, hadn’t for at least 21 years now. While others may not have understood the meaning behind the word, to Suzaku, it was perfectly clear Lelouch mostly used it when he was worried for Suzaku (like over 13 years ago when they were still aging and Suzaku had sided with Britannia despite it being Britannia who was oppressing the Japanese and had even shot Suzaku with the intention to kill just because the damned royal guard wanted to, or at all the times Suzaku decided that ‘hey I can sacrifice myself if it means others not getting treated even worse than now’, or whenever Suzaku ended up fighting in the frontlines just because he so desperately wanted to die), or because Lelouch was bad at expressing his feelings at times (like right now).

“I love you too”, he said laughing. Suzaku heard Lelouch sigh a silent and exasperated “I know”, and the mood he got from his tone made him picture Lelouch rolling his eyes or something of the like. The thought made him grin.

Suzaku led them to a small shore they liked to use as a picnic place during the warmer seasons, and even now they liked how beautiful and calming it was. The frozen lake spreading out in front of them was thick enough to skate and walk on it. It was something they did pretty often, actually, but right now they weren’t in the mood to do so.

(In reality, Lelouch was never in the mood to do so, he didn’t like skating nor walking on ice very much, but every now and then he would agree to come just because he wanted to see Suzaku have fun and be happy.)

Instead, they ended up walking along the shore where the waterline would have been had it not frozen over. They talked about all things mundane, as well as Nunnally who was dear to both of them — she was someone they wished the best but had decided to not tell about Lelouch being alive for her sake. And while they knew Nunnally was far older than them physically (so not a little girl they had to protect anymore), led Britannia all by herself and was great at it, and could handle her feelings and take care of herself far better than either of them, they did it because they were too worried it would hurt her too much. No matter how many times Lelouch and Suzaku told themselves Nunnally did not need them to fret over her, they couldn’t help themselves.

Suzaku wondered how she would react if she were to find he (and Lelouch) had been hiding this from her. Knowing Nunnally was far more like Lelouch than most believed, or even wanted to believe, definitely not a picture perfect angel, probably not very well.

After walking around for a while, they finally found a rock to sit on. They sat down as Suzaku wrapped one arm around Lelouch’s waist and pulled him closer. Lelouch pressed closer to him as well, although a lot more subtly — even so, it didn’t escape from Suzaku. He always noticed those small acts Lelouch did, never missing any one of them, or so he liked to think.

He began stroking the back of Lelouch’s hand softly with his thumb. The other just hummed with a quiet tone as he rested his head on Suzaku’s shoulder, perfectly happy with how they were right now.

“Nobody in the world has hands this soft”, Suzaku decided out loud and saw Lelouch’s cheeks turn slightly reddish as he shot a glance at his boyfriend. Lelouch simply said nothing and pretended not to have heard what Suzaku said. Both of them were fully aware he had heard.

The two of them sat on the rock until the sun disappeared from the sky, watching carefully how the beautiful, deep blue sky turned orange, red and violet. The warm colours faded and changed into dark, nearly black blue and purple. And then, then it began snowing just like the weather forecast had predicted.

Suzaku could see (and feel, considering Lelouch was still pressed to him, although now it was Lelouch’s back pressed to Suzaku’s chest) Lelouch shiver lightly, so he took the scarf from around his own neck and wrapped it around his boyfriend. Lelouch smiled and pecked Suzaku’s cheek, which made his cheeks turn red — or was the blush caused by the cold air and nothing else?

No, it was definitely that kiss, Suzaku mused, cheeks abnormally warm.

“I think we should head back home”, he said, his own cheek against Lelouch’s. He had pulled Lelouch on his lap some time ago and now he was hugging him, so he was resting his chin on Lelouch’s shoulder. That, in turn, caused him to speak straight to his ear, so Suzaku basically whispered the words in order to not speak too loud and hurt Lelouch’s sensitive hearing.

“Yes, I agree. It’s getting cold”, Lelouch replied but showed no effort to move anywhere from his comfortable seat.

And, since Lelouch wasn’t moving and Suzaku didn’t want to let him fall to the ground only because of his stubbornness, Suzaku stood up, holding Lelouch in his arms in the way a bride would be carried, again. He really did enjoy doing it. Lelouch made, once again, an indefinite sound that sounded a lot like a muffled scream, but this time he didn’t complain. Maybe he wasn’t feeling like having the same, unnecessary, often fought argument more than once a day, especially considering that Suzaku was not going to stop doing it unless it really upset Lelouch — which it never did.

They began walking back (or, well, Suzaku was walking, Lelouch was still being carried) while Suzaku paid attention to the small, fragile snowflakes falling and landing everywhere. In Suzaku’s opinion, they were beautiful and enchanting in Lelouch’s hair, the raven colour of his hair creating a perfect contrast with the pure white snow.

“You know, I don’t want this to ever end”, Suzaku whispered. It was, while a declaration of love sort of thing, also a plea to Lelouch to fight for this and a wish to the gods to never let anything happen to it. Suzaku held Lelouch a bit tighter, as though he could drop him at any moment and he would shatter, or maybe it was that Suzaku thought Lelouch could all of a sudden disappear from him if he didn’t hold onto him tighter. That wasn’t going to happen, of course. He knew it perfectly well.

Lelouch looked at him, surprised at the sudden declaration, before replying, “What, this snow? I thought you didn’t like it all that much.” The teasing tone in his voice told Suzaku he knew fully well what he was talking about but just found the opportunity perfect for teasing Suzaku a bit — and Suzaku was most certain Lelouch enjoyed it completely.

Suzaku rolled his eyes fondly at Lelouch. “No, not that. This happiness, this domestic life, this all that we have together. I don’t want to lose it.”

“Okay, first of all, put me down, this is harder to do while you’re carrying me.” Suzaku put Lelouch down. “And second of all, I won’t let it end. I want to keep this as well. And believe me when I say, I will remain by your side even if we have to fight against all deities and the world and even our own fate in order to do just that. I wouldn’t trade what we have away for the world, not again. Doing it once shall be enough. I already thought we’d be separated forevermore when we decided on Zero Requiem, and that was something I don’t want to experience again.”

Lelouch cupped Suzaku’s face with his hands and pressed their foreheads together before continuing. “And I promise I will be right here by your side through every fight we may have to see one day because I am willing to do anything — and I mean  _ anything _ — to keep ‘you’ and ‘I’ as ‘us’.”

The words Lelouch spoke reassured Suzaku and made him smile, and if Suzaku teared up a bit, neither mentioned it. “I love you so much”, he whispered and closed the distance between their lips. Lelouch let his hands fall on Suzaku’s shoulders as Suzaku’s wandered to Lelouch’s waist to be able to pull him even closer, if possible. It was a sweet kiss and so full of love that they couldn’t even explain it had they been asked to describe the feeling.

And even after they broke away from the kiss they stayed like that. They could sense the other’s huffs of breath on their lips and, despite it being fairly cold outside otherwise, both were warm. It was like they were in their small bubble of warmth that blocked out the cool air.

They didn’t even know how they ended up getting home. They hadn’t paid attention at all to it, or their surroundings, but did they care? No, not at all.

“Do you want something to eat? I could make us something small”, Lelouch shouted from the kitchen, having gone there basically right after they’d arrived home and gone inside.

“Sure, if it doesn’t take too long. I want to hold you and I can’t do that while you’re cooking because you claim it makes it difficult, as well as bothers and distracts you.”

“You’re so embarrassing.”

“I know. You love me for that as well!”

“Yes, so I appear to do.”

Suzaku settled to leaning on the kitchen counter and watched Lelouch make them both sandwiches with chicken filling. They had leftover chicken from earlier that day, and since it didn’t take too long to fry and both of them liked said sandwiches, it made a great snack.

When Lelouch was done, he piled the sandwiches on two plates and brought them to their living room, and went to the sofa instead of the dining table. In Suzaku’s opinion, the sofa was a nicer place to eat at than the table was due to the difference in their ‘softness levels’. They just usually didn’t eat on the sofa because Lelouch didn’t allow it. He claimed it was because he thought they’d ruin it and create a mess, or so he said, but Suzaku had a feeling there was something else behind that too. Well, it didn’t matter right now since Lelouch for once initiated eating there himself.

“Hey, Lelouch, did you know Kallen and Gino are dating nowadays?”, Suzaku asked between the bites.

“What? No, I did not. Suzaku, you are aware that I live in hiding and don’t get to hear the news about our old acquaintances unless it’s reported in the news, and honestly, I don’t think they care too much about the relationship of an ex-knight of the round and a Black knight at this point anymore. But nonetheless, I am slightly surprised they’re dating and Kallen hasn’t killed Gino yet”, Lelouch answered, remembering how the two used to act a long time ago. Of course they would have changed too.

“Oh yeah. But yeah, they’re dating. Kallen texted me to tell me just now. Have apparently been for a while, she just didn’t find time to tell me she and a technically ex-friend of mine I’ve thought would look cute together are dating. What a betrayal.” Suzaku showed the messages on his phone to Lelouch. “Aaaannd yes, she knows I’m still alive and that she didn’t, in fact, kill me on the Damocles.”

“Why does she know?” Lelouch’s tone was more questioning than accusing, which    
Suzaku took as a positive sign.

“She guessed it. We were talking about things like a week before I found you, and she decided to tell me what she thought of Zero Requiem right there in the Exelica Garden, clearly displeased with our plan because you were dead and I was supposedly dead and she had to listen to people hate someone who was less of an asshole than he pretended to be. Oh, and that she knows I’m Suzaku, that she told me as well. She literally explained the whole plan to me in detail, she was aware of the entirety of it. We should have taken that to account, she’s far smarter than people give her credit for — and besides, she probably started suspecting it the very second ‘Zero’ appeared since she was used to fighting me, and likely recognised the way ‘Zero’ moved as mine. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t know you’re alive, though, so don’t worry.”

“Shouldn’t have given her the front row seat then”, Lelouch mumbled, adding then,  “And you didn’t think you should have maybe told me before that she knows? Well, she’s one of the Black knights I trusted the most, she didn’t exactly ever betray me—”

“We’re gonna talk about that one day, darling, you still refuse to tell me what it was about.”

“—and the public doesn’t know despite her being aware, so it’s fine. Who else knows that you haven’t told me about?”

Suzaku smiled sheepishly and rubbed his neck with the hand that wasn’t holding a sandwich. “Well, Tohdoh-sensei is aware I’m alive, but I did not admit it myself, Sayoko might know, Kaguya suspects Zero is me… Oops? It all just kind of slipped my mind?”

“ _ For three and half years? _ ”

“Yes?”

Lelouch groaned but finished his sandwich before uttering another word. “What should I do with you? But, remember to congratulate Kallen. I can’t, even if I wanted to.”

“I mean, I do have an idea of what you could—”

Lelouch groaned again and let his head fall to his hands. “God, no, Suzaku.”

“No, really, you could, for example, let me hold you close in bed soon and cuddle you, and then I could kiss you until we fall asleep.”

Suzaku watched Lelouch’s reactions go from a slight surprise (why though? He knew what Suzaku and his suggestions were like) to a moment of looking like he was going to refuse to a tiny blushing mess, and finally Lelouch turned his head away from Suzaku’s curious gaze. It was delighting and endearing, or so Suzaku would have answered had you asked him what he thought of it.

But, sure enough, even though Lelouch was facing away from Suzaku, he moved his free hand trying to find Suzaku’s, and when he did, he grabbed it gently. That was really all the confirmation and approval to his plan Suzaku needed.

Since both had finished their snacks, Suzaku stood up and began pulling Lelouch towards their bedroom, their plates left behind forgotten on the coffee table. They also very likely left a small mess in the kitchen, to Lelouch’s dismay, but honestly, Suzaku couldn’t have cared less right now. He would have also likely carried Lelouch to their room, but since he realised Lelouch might have not appreciated it happening thrice a day (especially since it happening was quite usual), that idea was abandoned.

Suzaku took off his clothes and changed into his pajamas, and by the time he was ready, he could see Lelouch already in bed, reading. Of course, how else. Suzaku smiled at his boyfriend before slumping on the bed as well and pulling his blanket over himself.

“What do you think about getting a pet?”, he suddenly asked Lelouch. Suzaku had been wanting to get a pet for a while, partly (mostly) because he missed Arthur, a lot. Well, he liked animals a lot in general, so it wasn’t like that was his only reason to want another, but still.

“What?”

“I said, what do you thi—”

“I heard you the first time. I meant, what makes you ask this now?”

“Well, I miss Arthur, you know? And besides, it’s not like the two of us can ever get a child together, no one would be willing to be a surrogate to us, and I’d like for us to have something that is alive and not a plant to take care of together.”

Lelouch seemed to ponder the idea for a while before answering. “Yeah, it might be nice, I’d kind of like to take care of a child-like thing as well together, but we are not getting another stray cat, and we also aren’t getting a dog no matter how much you like them. And yes, I know you love dogs too, but I definitely don’t, and I don’t want to have to take care of one. At least cats would survive fairly well on their own without demanding attention all the time.”

“I can’t believe that you just said no to dogs, Suzaku said, emphasising the word ‘believe’ possibly a little too much. Then he burst out laughing and turned around so that his face was against the pillow, trying to muffle out his laughter.

Lelouch rolled his eyes and set his book down. “If you want a pet, sure, just not yet. The answer to possibly getting a dog will be no at least for a few decades, and likely forever.”

“Okay. So, how many pets do you consider  _ too many _ ?”

Suzaku’s voice was still muffled, but thankfully (sadly) not enough for Lelouch to understand him.

“We are  _ not _ getting multiple pets, Kururugi Suzaku.”

The deadpan tone in Lelouch’s voice made it clear he was being serious, but for some reason, it was just as amusing and made Suzaku laugh anyway. Maybe the fact it was nearing 1am had something to do with his reaction. Or maybe it was that Lelouch could see the implication of getting multiple pets without a delay of even a second, and outright refused, without even considering it.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t trust you to take care of them all the time, you would want me to do it as well and I most definitely do not want to care for more than one small thing with a fursuit.”

“Aww, you’re such a killjoy.”

“What did you call me, Suzaku?”

“Ahh, I said absolutely nothing!”

“Of course you didn’t, you never do.”

Now that the book Lelouch had been reading was set aside and no longer in his hands, Suzaku saw his opportunity had come and pulled Lelouch close to him, snuggling him. Lelouch tried to find a more comfortable position in Suzaku’s arms, and after finding it, pressed himself closer. It was nice.

“You make me so happy”, Suzaku murmured to Lelouch’s hair and kissed his head.

Lelouch hummed before speaking. “You remember how we talked about what happiness would look like if it took a form of an object, and you said it might resemble something like glass when we were children?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I was wondering, what does your happiness look like today?”

“Hmm…”

Suzaku looked around the room before his eyes found something that described his happiness perfectly, and smirked.

“I think, that while happiness, in general, would still look like glass if it were an object,  _ my  _ happiness has black, silky hair, pale skin, purple eyes and carries the name ‘Lelouch’.”

Lelouch made a weird sound and pulled a blanket over his face.

“What are you doing?”, Suzaku asked his boyfriend and raised his brow, looking amused. 

“I was cold.”

“You could have told me, I would have warmed you up.”

“No.”

It took Suzaku a while before he realised what this was about.

“You’re hiding under that blanket because you’re blushing and don’t want to admit it, aren't you?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Okay then, come out whenever you want to.”

While Lelouch was hiding under the blanket, Suzaku stroke his back and held him tight, smiling. He loved these quiet moments when they just were. They did nothing specific and only were with each other, he lived for those moments as well.

Actually, he had plenty of things he lived for now. He lived for Lelouch, for protecting Nunnally, and for all the small moments shared with Lelouch he loved. Which, of course, meant most of the moments shared with Lelouch because he loved being with him in general. Sure, they were fairly sure he couldn’t die anymore, but they did not want to take any risks. In case it was just that he would live until someone tried to kill him, they didn’t want to take even the smallest risks, they didn’t want to play with the chance they’d lose each other again. Lelouch was going to live until a strong enough Geass user killed him.

“I really love holding you, my love”, Suzaku said, watching the ceiling in the dark room. He heard the blankets shuffling and felt Lelouch move against him before he saw Lelouch’s face peek out from under them.

Lelouch raised himself so that he was now on his knees. He took Suzaku’s face gently to his hands and stroked the skin under his eye softly with his thumb. Then he bent over so that their lips brushed against each other, but it wasn’t quite a kiss either, at least not yet. Suzaku could feel Lelouch’s smile — or rather, his smirk — against his lips, and that was enough to tell Suzaku Lelouch was simply teasing him and testing his limits.

If Suzaku wanted to get back at him, he would just let Lelouch do whatever he wanted and not give in to the urge to kiss Lelouch. That was definitely the best course of action, as well as the smartest one.

Well, it would have been the smartest thing to do.

Too bad Suzaku wasn’t smart enough to do it.

He placed his hand on the back of Lelouch’s head and pulled him into the kiss. Lelouch smirked — not a surprise there — but kissed back. This was far from their first kisses, those that were only careful and gentle for they were vulnerable and thought the other would crush under their touch had they been too rough, too eager. No, this was something they’d compare to a bomb going off, albeit less destructive. They didn’t love it any less. If anything, they loved it more because it was rather like one of their ‘I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re actually together and won’t lose each other again’ -type of kisses.

“I want to spend all my time with you”, Lelouch murmured against Suzaku’s lips and let himself fall on top of Suzaku. Or, well, it was rather on his arm but same difference. He snuggled to Suzaku and let his head rest on his chest.

“What would you never give up on in exchange for anything?”, Suzaku suddenly asked Lelouch. It was a wonder he had never asked that before, but better now than later, right?

“I’m fairly sure I have answered that a few times already. When will you ever remember what I tell you?”, Lelouch snorted and raised his eyebrows, amused.

“When have I asked it before?”

“Probably around this time at night every now and then. I think the last time was a few weeks ago.”

“How in the world do I never remember?”

“Because you, my love, are always too tired to remember, even if you try to deny it. Should I write it down for you, or would you prefer a recording?”

“Neither, I have you to tell me, don’t I?”

He could hear a quiet but rather amused huff from Lelouch. “Yes, yes you do. Anyway, something I’d never give up on for any price in the world… I wouldn’t give up on you. Or watching over Nunnally from the shadows, but you get the point. I’ve already given up on the hope to have one last conversation with her and tell her that I love her, that I always have and always will. She probably knows it, but I would like to tell her myself. But that’s impossible. I gave up on the hope long before you and I reunited again.”

“We’re cruel, aren’t we? We still haven’t told her—”

“—And we have no intentions to do so. Yes, I know, we are, but it’s for her best.”

“I guess.”

“There’s always a chance we destroyed everything we fought and suffered for and pulled millions of other people into our suffering as well if we told her. It’s not that I don’t trust my little sister, I really do, but someone else might find out because of it, or something else could happen, and I don’t want to have it all go in vain.”

Suzaku shook his head. He knew Lelouch was right, he knew it, but something about it felt amiss. It felt like they were making the wrong choice, choosing the wrong path, again. He just didn’t know what it was about it that they were doing wrong. But, like said, Lelouch was right, telling Nunnally wasn’t worth making all those lives they’d taken and the atrocities they’d committed for Zero Requiem to succeed perfectly go in vain. He still felt guilty, though.

“Hey, what do you think? Are people better at creating things, or destroying them? I mean, we’re far better at destroying if we look back in our lives, but…”, Suzaku began but didn’t know how to end the sentence. Maybe Lelouch would understand him anyway.

“Yeah, the two of us don’t probably even know what the word ‘create’ means.”

Suzaku snorted.

“But, in general, and throughout the history, people have destroyed far more than they’ve created, but they’ve created such amazing things that sometimes they compensate for their wrong deeds and doings. Right now they’re creating more because they’re no longer focusing on destroying everything that’s destroying something else.”

Yeah, he did understand, just like he always did. It was comforting for Suzaku to know that even when he didn’t know how to say something, or how to finish whatever it was he was saying, Lelouch understood him anyway. It was also the same the other way around, although then it usually was Lelouch not saying something at all instead of not knowing how to say it. Suzaku could read Lelouch like an open book and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Because of Zero Requiem?”, Suzaku asked, fully expecting Lelouch to say that yes, because of Zero Requiem. He began playing with Lelouch’s hair but abruptly stopped when he heard his answer. He should have probably expected that, too.

“No. Zero Requiem gave them the means and motivation for doing that, it gave them a chance. It let them see just how much they craved for a world with no wars and unnecessary killing. No matter how much I’d like for us to take credit for how the world is today, it wouldn’t be like this if not for Nunnally who kept loving and chose the world because that was for the best, if not for the Black Knights who never stopped fighting for equality, and if not for everyone else who decided they could no longer take the everlasting, eternal fighting, and finally stood up for themselves and their peace. And, of course, if not for you, who stayed by my sister’s side and protected her when I couldn’t, I couldn’t even give her advice let alone protect her, as well as showed the world Zero will side with the weak, and those who fought for justice by just means. Not those who thought wars and discrimination were a working way to end wars and discrimination.”

“Nunnally isn’t weak.”

“That’s what you took from what I said? But of course she isn’t. She is strong, possibly and likely far stronger than I am or could ever be. I only meant that people might see her as one, given as she’s in a wheelchair.”

“They’re wrong.”

“Yes, that they are, they couldn’t be more wrong about her. It only makes her stronger.”

Everything Lelouch said made sense, but it didn’t lessen Suzaku’s surprise when Lelouch said Zero Requiem was merely what created a world where there were glints of hope still left after, or possibly because of, the Demon Emperor’s loss and death. That, and that it was the people who had been suffering under Lelouch’s reign that saw them and began chasing them who created the rest of the hope, and the world they had now. The world to where Lelouch and Suzaku weren’t welcomed, the world they had abandoned for a better cause and that had thrown them away for the said cause. It was, by all means, sad, but they had agreed that it was better if neither of them could live in the world they created for Nunnally and Euphemia, even if one of them was dead, and even if their way to achieve it wasn’t something either of the girls would approve. Zero Requiem had marked the end of an era, as well as the beginning of a new one.

Yes, when Suzaku had pierced Lelouch with that sword, he hadn’t only killed Lelouch, he had also killed himself. That moment marked the end of both their existences, at least for ten years, and even then they didn’t let themselves live with the rest of the world. It was likely they never could.

Suzaku’s hand went back to playing with Lelouch’s hair after the initial shock. It was quiet for a while, just two people who weren’t supposed to be alive trying to take care of and care for each other because there was no one else in the world who would do it anymore. Well, Nunnally and Kallen did care about Suzaku’s wellbeing as well, but the two couldn’t be seen with Suzaku, only ever Zero, and Zero no longer existed in their current world. To everyone else, he did, but to the two of them to whom he had admitted it was him behind the mask, Zero as he had been was gone. They knew Zero would come back if he was needed, but that was unlikely. In their opinion, especially Nunnally’s who was better aware of Suzaku’s situation, Suzaku deserved the retirement he was given, and besides, it wasn’t like Zero had completely disappeared. The legend of Zero would live on no matter what. They’d both told this to him, Kallen after Suzaku told her about what Nunnally had decided, and Nunnally a few days after she had told him she’d bought him a house.

Lelouch hummed as his hair was being played with, a small smile making its way to his lips.

“You know, Suzaku, nothing is so healing as your touch. I’m glad we made it here and are together”, Lelouch said, letting his eyes close after a long day. He really was glad they were still alive, and that despite everything they had had to go through — all the pain, betrayals and fighting with, for and against each other — they still loved one another like nothing else.

Both Lelouch and Suzaku were broken and shattered into fragments, but somehow, even if he couldn’t explain it, all of those millions of fragments kept loving and held onto each other like it was their lifeline. Yeah, they were each other’s lifelines at this point, that much was for certain. He wouldn’t trade this for the world, not again. He couldn’t take losing Suzaku again. And to be able to feel Suzaku next to him was comforting, it reminded him that everything was going to be okay if it already wasn’t. 

“I’m glad about it as well, but can we now go to sleep? I’m getting really tired”, Suzaku replied yawning. He pecked Lelouch’s forehead one more time before adjusting in the place to feel more comfortable, spooning Lelouch. He sighed happily into Lelouch’s hair and tangled his legs with his. 

“Goodnight Suzaku, I love you”, Lelouch whispered, smiling as he heard the soft snores coming from Suzaku. He pulled a blanket over the two of them and let himself drift into the gentle world of sleep that nightmares no longer reached as often as they once had.

That night the two of them met each other and Nunnally in the beautiful land of dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly hope it compensated for all that suffering in Never Too Far From You. I also hope you enjoyed reading this!
> 
> Also, I can't believe I, a dog person, just wrote that about dogs (even though I do think they're a bother and a pain in the ass).
> 
> I was wondering, if I were to write shorter fluff pieces for this series, should I make them into their own fic, or put them as bonus chapters to this one? Because I seriously don't know. 
> 
> Comments make my day so please don't ve afraid to leave your thoughts on this or feedback! 
> 
> Come talk with me about Code Geass, these morons, or pretty much anything in my [Tumblr](Ethelphantom.tumblr.com)!


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